God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
