its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
