I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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