just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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