Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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