When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just want to make out with him forever
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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