One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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