dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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