Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
