I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
