I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
