he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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