i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
