My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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