my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
