I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
