My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
