Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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