Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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