Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
