it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
