Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I looked at my own cervix.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
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I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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