The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
