Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
