My liver just broke up with me...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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