My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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