i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
