Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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