My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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