Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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