A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
