Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
