Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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