Banned from zoo.
Again?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
