I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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