A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
did you just send me my own nude
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
