3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
