i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
