Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
