Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
