mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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