im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
