it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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