he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
