I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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