I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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