it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
