If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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