Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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