You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
