We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
