Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
