All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Randomize
