I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
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I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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