i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
