The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
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I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
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Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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