Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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