I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
