she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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