Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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